Hello 2019! I Guess I BLOOMED!

Photo: Tibet House USA.

First week of 2019 here we are. 

Damn, you feel good already. 

I’m digging you.

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I read over my NYE blog from 2018: The Year I BLOOM. 

I must say, I fulfilled my own prophecy quite well. My biggest goal was to stop making myself small and to start expressing myself more truthfully through the power of the written word. 

I set a goal to write 52 blogs, one blog post a week. 

And that did not happen. Which is good. 

I wrote and published 26 blogs. Almost exactly half as many, with double the effort. 

I learned that when I write something, I like to step away from it for a few days and then come back to it and let it sit with me for some time before I share it with my world. 

I published something consistently twice a month and I’m proud of that.

I watched my writing improve a lot over the year. I watched my vulnerability deepen. My story telling became more truthful and honest - even when it was painful. By the end of December of 2018, words were just spilling out of me. More like puking out of me. I couldn’t stop. I could’t stop writing all of these stories of my life. Every free hour I had was spent typing away on my laptop, releasing thousands of old memories and characters until I was so exhausted I had to be peeled away from my screen. 

As I reflect on all of these stories I have to tell, I realized, that I’ve lived a pretty crazy life in under 24 years. And that it’s going to take more than a few blog posts to truly open up to the world. 

I guess I set pretty high expectations on myself and my ability to be vulnerable and totally open about the hidden parts of my life. I hoped I would finally open up about what it was like to leave a four-year relationship with a man after accepting that I was gay. I hoped that I would write about what it was like to go into full-time treatment for anorexia, twice. I figured at some point I would write about what it was like to get stuck in a highly abusive relationship and how I finally got out of it. But alas, I did not write about any of those things. I learned that, those things take time. I must take small steps of expression before I get to the big break throughs. I learned that through my writing, I must be gentle with myself and allow the stories to come when they are ready. Someday I'll be writing my book. And it will be healing AF. 

Some stories woke me up at 3am begging to be born. Other stories I labored over for days and hours that left me totally exhausted and empty. Some stories were written in such inspirational flow that I danced around and shared it with every one immediately. Some stories made my heart pound to share and I totally feared clicking “publish.” 

But I always know, every time I hit “publish,” I faced my fears and created a more authentic connection between myself and other human beings on the web. That drove me. 

Because here’s what I found: People are reading my blog. I had over 7,000 page views since last year. That blows my mind. Truly. People are reading my blog for some reason. Perhaps something I am saying creates a connection between us. Maybe something I am writing makes you feel more understood. Or perhaps it’s the other way around, something I am writing helps you understand the world a little better? Or maybe even, just maybe, my writing inspires you to live a more authentic life? 

The healing part of this all is also driving me. When I'm writing, I'm releasing all of these memories as if they were dreams which I find to be great medicine for emotional wounds. Years of talk therapy didn't get me to the place that writing and journaling have today. 

My biggest goal is to make the world feel a little smaller. To get each other to relate on a little bit deeper of a level. To show you that even if you aren’t female, Utahn, Buddhist or gay or redheaded, we can still relate. We can all relate so deeply on an emotional and spiritual level. Why not celebrate that more? 

Well, here I am. Continuing to celebrate. Writing is my purpose. 

Yes, I’m a musician, songwriter, artist, activist, meditator and yogini, but first and foremost I am a writer. This year helped me realize that I must do everything I can to stay aligned with my purpose. This silly blog that started as a way to talk shit on bands that come through town, has actually helped me align better with what the universe has planned for me. We’ve had a few chats, me and the universe. And I decided to start following the cosmic path. 

My favorite stories that I wrote this year are: 

1. Why Businesses That Fly Pride Flags Year Round Make Me Really Freakin' Happy
2. Here's What Happens When You Stop Eating
3. No Room For Guilt In My Buddhism
4. No, I Did Not Master The Art of The Solitary Retreat
5. When Things Fall Apart
6. Witnessing Gaia
7. How My First Buddhist Retreat Triggered Me Into Accessing My Inner Child - And Healing Her
8. Struggling With Unworthiness And How I Found It In Nepal

And the stories are only going to keep coming. 

This year, I don’t want to just share my stories. I want to invite others to share their stories. I want to write the stories of other incredible human beings walking this earth. I want to learn your story. I want to write your story. I want you to write your story. I want to share who you are with the world. 

Because you are so divinely special and you have a message that we need to hear. 

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This year I truly did bloom. In so many more ways than I could have ever forecasted last winter. I am truly so proud of my self and the work I put in over the last year. 

Frankly, I’ll probably write another blog post bragging about everything I did in the past year to improve my lifestyle and step into my most authentic being yet. 

It’s less about bragging and more about making an invitation. 

We all have this divine power inside of us to become magical conscious and powerful human beings. I invite you to step into this year with a fresh intention. 

If you really want to improve your life, just fucking do it. BELIEVE that you are worth the work. You are so powerful, you just don’t even know it. I started this journey way down below rock bottom. I was extremely ill mentally and physically. I had infections through out all of my organs. I had no idea how to eat even one simple meal. My sexual identity was so repressed, I had no desire for life. I didn’t know what pleasure was. I didn’t know what self love was. I was living an external life, showing others what they wanted to see. While on the inside, I was dying a slow and painful death, withering away through starvation and self-harm. All I thought about was: when is my heart finally going to stop beating so that I can move on from this life. I was ready to die. Truly. It’s hard to admit this. 

But I was so done. 

And for some blessed reason, I started digging myself out of that hole. That digging process started over three years ago. And today I just want to cry and hug myself and tell myself that I'm proud. I got out of that hole and now at the top of a skyscraper in a penthouse suite (metaphorically). I’ve been to hell and back (not metaphorically). So I know what I’m talking about. 

My point: If you want to improve your life. START NOW. 

I know it’s hard. I know you want to quit most days. But once you get there. It’s so sweet. You won’t want to stop. This human life is so precious. So luscious. So full of pleasure and bliss. 

… so please, keep reading. I have so much to share. 

With love, Jane.