The year I BLOOM.

Photo credit: @TibetanPortaits on IG. Follow!

I've got some thoughts on my mind so let me get right to it, my biggest new years goal of 2018 is to write a blog post every week. That means I will have written 52 blogs by the time we ring in 2019. That means every week I've got to find the time to sit down and write something worthy of being published. Because I can tell you right now, that my daily journal would bore the hell out of you. And the journalistic work that I publish is worked on for months, usually an assignment and always highly edited and constructed. These posts are just me, my thoughts and my laptop.

So, I'll probably be writing mostly about life and experience because, well that is where writers draw from. Hopefully here and there I can manifest some deeper philosophical thoughts to share. I'd like to open up more about my experience as a woman, who is buddhist, who is 23, who is queer, who is living in Salt Lake City. But you see, even those are just labels that help those who don't know me get to scratch the surface of who I am. Even writing this right now I get nervous about opening up. Every time I publish a story in print or even post something to Instagram, I get this same fearful feeling that some one will not like that I am opening up. That some one will tell me that I'm just a girl who needs to quiet down. That in that, I am making myself to vulnerable to the world. And I'm calling bullshit on myself for creating those thoughts.

Being of the female gender, I grew up in a world that was telling me to make myself small, to not be a problem to others and to not express my existence in any way that calls any attention to me. I did a lot of taking care of myself as a kid and I found that it was easiest to do so by staying out of people's way and figuring things out for yourself. I have this memory, of being in first grade, the year after my parent's divorced. I transferred to a public school and, I didn't alway have a lunch** when that time of day came around. If I didn't have lunch money, the lady in the cafeteria would pester and embarrass me (from my six year old perspective), so sometimes I would just go without lunch to avoid being a problem to anyone. One day my best friend was sad that I was skipping lunch so she took the phone pass from our 1st grade classroom and went to the office and called her Dad to bring me a lunch. He was free and happy to do it. I felt so relieved and so cared for. We got back to the classroom and found our teacher in a fire of anger that we had taken the phone pass. When my friend explained why she did it, I vividly remember the teacher responding saying, "Why would you think that it is your problem or your father's problem that Janey doesn't have a lunch today? You're not aloud to use the phone pass for calls like that, you didn't even ask permission!" I remember her fuming complexion to this day. We were so confused by her anger. After that day I never asked any one at school for anything. Today, I look back and I can see who was right and who was wrong. Teachers and any adults should reward compassionate behavior, no matter what the means. It wasn't right that my friend was punished for trying to help. I feel like that happened a lot growing up. I remember my Dharma teachings: "Children are the essence of Chenrezig, the face of pure compassion." Something about promoting the idea of looking out for one another was so misdirected in my society growing up. I grew to believe that speaking up in the face of adversity was not okay, that asking others for help was wrong and that it was best to just avoid being problematic altogether.

So, I'm an adult now with a college degree who pays rent and has a savings account and all that grown up bullshit. And I'm officially done making myself small in order to stay alive. Up until the clock struck 2017, I was living life to get by and make others happy and not cause problems. Then I got my heart broken by a woman for the first time and couldn't tell any one about it*. I had made a full recovery from anorexia and never opened up about it. I left my boyfriend of four years and still feel ashamed to talk about it. A horrible man like Donald Trump became president because so many people were living passive lifestyles just like I had been. When that clock struck 2017, I kissed the most beautiful girl in the room and in that act, the floodgates burst open. I became unleashed. I was  done with hiding myself from the world and putting on the face I thought every one wanted to see.  It was a rocky year of self-discovery but I came out on the end in a completely fresh state of existence. The healthy relationships deepened, and the empty ones slowly diminished. I wouldn't change a thing.

So my goal this year is to solidify that part of myself through written word. Through song. Through my ngondro and my yoga practice. Through my career and my volunteer work. Through my relationships with other humans and earthly nature. Ultimately, solidifying my freedom through my being. I hope that you can find something for yourself in my words. I hope that I can make others feel seen through sharing my own experience. I hope that I can help you to feel like you are not alone. Because you are not. I am here. So is the universe, and we all love you.



* Thank you to those few friends that created a space in our relationships where I felt safe to share these terrifying emotions with you. I cherish your existence and I am so grateful for your nonjudgmental openness toward life in general. You know who you are. <3

** My parents did their very best. This post is not about poor-me-a-child-of-divorce. Its more like, this-is-the-expereince-of-lots-of-kids and we should talk about it. 

New Years Eve OOTD: Nasty Gal romper my GF bought me for Christmas (she has impeccable taste, I know). But I actually put a long red traditional Tibetan skirt on over it with a matching red zen- exactly what the young monks in the top photo are wearing. It was fun to wear this gem colored velvet as a top with my glittery make up and nails. We went to a fire puja at my Tibetan Buddhist Temple for our new-year celebration. I was Buddhist Glam to the max!

Another aspect of this year's resolution: to not be afraid to post pictures of myself that might be deemed "provocative!" I am the owner of my body and my sexuality! Reject the notion that the female body should stay hidden! Praise those who show it off and praise those who keep it covered. SHAME NEITHER ONE.
(Thank you again to my GF who makes me feel worthy of a photograph <3)