Getting Real About My Spiritual Path

I just want to get really real for a minute. And I'll start by saying I love the path that I am on and I have chosen it for eternity. Becoming a Tibetan Buddhist Practitioner has filled so many empty holes of my soul. I'm so grateful to have the dharma in my life. But to only speak about the joy of it? Well, that would be inauthentic. The spiritual path is messy. It is not easy. The path is not lined with glitter and bliss. It can be scary. It can be aggressive. It can be overwhelming and drive you to quit.

Spiritual practice, whatever yours may be, shows you the depths of your ego and your truest self. With each meditation, internal layers of wallpaper are being torn down in your mind. Truths you never wanted to see become uncovered and naked. Sometimes it is darkness that needs to be seen and acknowledged. Sometimes it is darkness that needs to be made into light. With consistent practice, over time you can cleanse the layers of dirt that keep your Buddha essence covered up. 

It was deep into a Ngondro practice (Tibetan Buddhist foundational practices) with my sangha (spiritual community) that one of the scarier truths that I had kept dark was brightly illuminated before me. My best friend would be moving to Italy soon. The sadness of her departure brought me a deeply longing, but familiar pain. I realized, in that moment that I wanted her to stay. But, moreover, I wanted her to stay with me. The image of us being together was reflected before my eyes about two hours deep into practice. I could see us visiting Italy together, traveling in love and returning home to a place that we found and settled into together. These were intimate feelings that I had pushed back for years. All this happening at my temple while sitting on a cushion holding my prayer beads. I wanted to get up and run out of that place. But I could not escape the truths that were unfolding in my mind. I had to hold on and allow this experience to open up in front of me. I was in a safe place. I did not need to run. And finally, after months of dedicated practice, I could see how beautiful my feelings were. I was in love, with a beautiful woman. What a blessing. That night, I came out to the man I was living with at the time. As scary as everything was about to be, I knew that I had taken refuge in the Buddha for a reason. My daily practice would be there for me each step along this difficult experience - including being rejected by that friend.

Among friends and family, it was my practice that nurtured me through the terrifying times of coming out as queer. No one can tell you what that is going to feel like or look like. Especially because those who surround you in that time, probably have no idea what it is like. Much like the spiritual path, coming out is messy and joyful. There were days I felt on top of the world. There were also days when the suicidal thoughts really kicked in deep. So, each day through that process, I woke up and took refuge in the Buddha again and again. Devoting each morning to my Ngondro practices and further exploring my inner truths with out fear, but with loving-kindness and compassion for myself.

And I found that when you choose to no longer fit yourself into society's mold, you can actually begin to crack into your own authentic self. And it shows. I always thought it was okay to be gay, just not exactly okay for me to be gay. That was too much. That, I had to keep hidden and hopefully overcome. Through that, I experienced deadly depression and anxiety. Waking up each morning with the doomed feeling that something was wrong and feeling completely lost at what I could do about it. Through these practices, I got to know myself. I got to see the secrets I kept deep under the surface. I started to grow into my true being. Some did not like to see that. I didn't always like to see that. But the ones who mattered, they could see that light begin to shine outwardly from deep inside as I began to live each day more truthfully and honestly.  

So, whatever you are going through, whatever your path; recovery, healing, sobriety, religious exploration, wherever you are. Don't. Quit. The. Path. You. Are. On. Walk with me, down its winding and wretched ways. Be courageous as you move through the storms, the dark feelings, the despondency, the numb days and the hyper-blissful moments. You will survive it. And you will come out shining bright like a Buddha. You have the essence of the Buddha inside of you right now. You just need to heal and pull back those layers of wall paper covering up your true self. It may take years, it may take lifetimes. So be brave and get started now. Find your practice. Explore what is out there for you. Find a way to gather compassion for yourself so that you can heal and become a bodhisattva, a person who dedicates their life to the wellbeing of others. You cannot do this if you have not found the compassion in your heart for yourself. So start there. Start today. Make that commitment to yourself and to the universe. In return, I will make a commitment to you: to always be there when you need a friend, no matter what.