Why the Term 'Gold Star Lesbian' is Damaging to Women (#16)
Labels are this giant double-edged sword. We use them to help others understand more of who we are, and while that is happening, we are being put in a little box with that label on it. Then, because we love boxes, we start to draw our own, categorizing every aspect of ourselves as a way of being understood. How do we save ourselves from this spiral!?
In terms of the true spectrums at play in queer existence, labels can chop us up and divide us. Keeping us in boxes that constrict our truest freedom. The freedom to love. Because every human has a completely unique romantic and sexual energy flowing through their bodies. Every person's sensual personality comes into bloom on their own time. Each as unique as our fingerprints.
Whether you are straight or gay or in between, every one explores that side of themselves in their own way. Some begin exploring at a very young age, others like myself are late bloomers. Some people know they are gay by first grade. Others wait forty years to come out of the closet. Some people are super sexually active, others are simply not interested! This spherical spectrum of sexuality is ALL VALID and DOPE. It should ALL be celebrated. And no one should be put above one another. If we're doing that, then what's all this equality shit about?
Which brings me to the point of this rant:
I wish for my community to consider their use of the term "Gold Star Lesbian."
It's a common label used for a lesbian who has never had intercourse with a man. I was finally provoked to write this out after watching the second season of Dear White People (a great show written by queer-black-Buddhist Justin Simien). During the show, one of the characters proudly declares herself a 'Gold Star Lesbian' and instead of being all excited about a lesbian character, I got all irritated (which was exactly Simien's goal). As some one who doesn't identify with this term at all, I'm here to express why this language is damaging to women and our sexual freedom and fluidity.
The human world is filled with shame around sex. Nothing profound about that. The symbol of the un-touched girl is an unrealistic expectation set on every young lady raised in any kind of religious society at all, ever. The expectation to wait until marriage, the concept that sex outside of marriage is a sin and especially the idea that a woman is no good with out her virginity are all problematic and damaging. Again, nothing too profound there.
My favorite show, Jane The Virgin is based around a lot of these subjects. A crumpled up white flower hangs on her wall as a symbol of what will happen if she has sex before marriage. "Try to make the flower look new again," her grandma says to her as a young girl, "I can't," young Jane responds. "That is what happens when you lose your virginity," her Abuela says to her with the most dooming look in her eye.
Such bullshit. Patriarchal bullshit.
But you know what else is patriarchal bullshit? The fact that I was raised in a world that told me to submit myself to men. That told me to be and act a certain way in order to attract a man that would want to be with me and have my body for himself. As a kindergartener I was asked what boys I liked in my class. I started to identify boys that I thought were cool, to be boys that I had a crush on. Which led to some really fucking confusing relationships later on in my post-adolescent life.
After coming out as queer and exploring my community, I started to come across this term, 'Gold Star Lesbian', more and more. At first, I laughed, thinking it was hilarious. And then after hearing it again and again, I realized that it made me feel tarnished. Like I was less pure in the lesbian community. Which is probably a big reason why I don't identify with the term 'lesbian' too closely.
But I'm not writing this to defend myself or even to say that I'm offended by this. I just wanted to call out the patriarchal nature of the saying. It feels unorthodox to the community that I identify with. As an LGBT+ family, we should never make each other feel pressured to have certain experiences with men or women, we should also never shame each other for exploring with a man or a woman.
Gold. Star. Lesbian.
Let's unpack this term and what it's language tells us:
a) That there are levels of lesbianism that may range from bronze to gold or circle to star.
b) That being more virginal in the heteronormative sense is something to be rewarded for - like with a gold star.
c) That lesbians who have or do have intimate relations with men are less than.
These is what we call a micro-aggressions.
So, I write this because language is serious. As feminists, we should take language very seriously. The way we communicate with each other is a huge energy transfer. The words we use towards each other can carry loving or destructive energy. I believe that hate speech is violence. And prayers, they actually make change.
Anything we can do to change our language and elevate the conscious energy we pass around through out our day - we should do it. We should omit terms that tarnish others. We should be aware of the ways in which we subconsciously feed into patriarchal norms - even in the most minute ways. We should mindfully treat others with equanimity, respect and love.
I'm gonna keep checking my community. I'm gonna keep calling myself and others out. Awareness is the antidote for ignorance. In the era of ignorance and divisiveness, I pledge to do everything I can to foster awareness and equanimity. With out apology.
Love,
Jane.
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