Here's What Happens When You Stop Eating (#11)

And it isn't glamorous.

This is something I've been wanting to write about for a long time but, I've never had the guts. I still don't have the guts but I'm going to try. I think it's important to put my story out there and if I can prevent any one else in the world from getting as sick as I've been, I'll put my fears aside and share openly.

My Past:

I've had an eating disorder a majority of my life. It manifested itself in it’s strongest form during my sophomore year of college. A time in young people's lives when our mental illnesses come to strong fruition. That manifestation looked like Jane not eating for about three months. Yeah, I know that is hard to believe, but that's what happened and I'll share more on that later because there's a bigger point I'm trying to make. At the end of those three months my mom talked me into getting some help. In one day three doctors diagnosed me with Anorexia- restricting type.

Fuck I hate that word.

So I got some help. I slowly started adding food back into my diet. Not without a few kitchen/grocery store meltdowns. I got on some meds that totally numbed me out and made my memories completely hazy. My friends in Oregon took incredible loving care of me. Eventually I moved home to be closer to my mom and my boyfriend. I applied to the U and went back to school my junior year knowing NOBODY and acting like NOTHING happened.

That Spring I started to feel really sick. I started to have a hard time with food again. I started to have the sharpest and most wretching pains in my chest. The pain sent me to the ER a few times and they just told me it was stress. I thought I was having a heart attack. My boyfriend at the time was insisting that doctors take my mental health into account at each visit as they ignored any my story. I pushed and pushed the doctors to figure out what was wrong with me and about six months in, someone finally recommended that I go get a GI scope done at the Huntsman Center.

They stuck a camera down my throat and took some pictures. When I woke up, the GI specialist said to me, "You poor thing! You must be in so much pain! Your esophagus is riddled with lesions and infections!" With disgusted relief after looking at these pictures of my insides I asked her, how does this happen? She said, "I saw in your file you've been treated for anorexia.. you may be healthy now but it's clear that your gastrointestinal system has been compromised from years of restrictive eating habits." She then continued to explain, "The inflammation has moved into the outer lining of your heart. Your heart is at risk. This is serious."

I was no longer aloud to exercise, do yoga or be active in any semblance of the word. I went a year with no physical activity. They put me on a bunch of meds and gave me all the pain killers I wanted. They suggested I take a medical leave from school to reduce stress and get me focused on healing. So I did. I bummed around in bed for three months and I got bored and depressed quickly. So that semester, after dropping out of all my classes, I signed up for the Intro To Buddhism Course at Urgyen Samten Ling Gonpa. That class changed saved my life.

In honor of keeping it real: here's my ski-burned face post-yoga while editing this story. (Wearing blessing chords and a gifted Buddha around my neck).

My Present:

This was all three years ago. Today I am my healthiest in all senses of the word. I feel stronger than I've ever been, I have more energy and vitality. I eat whatever I want whenever I want and I love my body so much. I'm fucking obsessed with myself!

But - then I forget. I have a chronic condition. Eosiphilis Esophagitis that was once coupled with Candida, a yeast infection in your gut. Which means, I'll have a screwed up digestive system forever. It's a problem in my white blood cells that they don't know much about. And while I've put the anorexia label way down into the back of my closet, I have to remember that my system is still actually quite fragile. And I still must care for myself and my body with great respect.

Because last Monday halfway through lunch, I suddenly felt like I was hit over the head with a frying pan. I couldn't stop laying my head on my desk. I felt so foggy. My chest had those familiar shooting pains. I went home from work early to get some rest. Next day, same thing. Day after, same thing again. I realized: Shit, I have an infection again! I googled the number to my family doctor to make an appointment and then remember how many times I've been in that office and received the exact same speech: "Let's go ahead and double up on your medication and see what happens next. Can I prescribe you something for the pain?"

I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN!!!

So, I googled my condition. Yeah, it had been a while since I read about what's wrong with me. There's actually very little medical research on it so I don't have a ton to grasp on. I realized that I have the exact symptoms of Candida. Foggy brain, achey joints, yucky taste in your mouth, shooting chest pains. I was originally told it could only be cleared up with antibiotics. Exhausted by doctor's offices and diagnoses, at the time, I never really looked into it myself. This time, I have a clear strong mind and I'm ready to heal myself the right way. After two minutes of googling I learned that alcohol FEEDS the infection. Sugar and coffee FEED the infection. Something that the doctors NEVER mentioned to me. I immediately started changing my diet around and preparing for the dreaded Candida cleanse.

My Message:

Why am I writing this boring story about my health problems?

Because I want to spread awareness. I've seen so much come up in the spiritual world of the internet about fasting and how good it is for you and how it helps you to be more spiritually in tune. Oh, and my favorite: humans don't even really need food we are just addicted to it and we really only need light from the sun and THAT'S ALL A BUNCH OF FUCKING BULLSHIT.

During that time in my life, I went to sleep every night fearing that my heart would stop and I would not wake up. So when I see someone glamorizing fasting or promoting it for spiritual well being I get pretty damn pissed off. Not everyone is predisposed to an eating disorder - lucky you, go fast all you want. But if you know that you've struggled with food in the past - which makes up about 30 million people in the US - then I will beg and plead to you: Do not try fasting. Do not try a juice cleanse. Do not go from an omnivorous diet to a vegan diet in one week. This could lead to a serious eating disorder and even death. Please take care of your body.

There are a lot more people out there than you think that are struggling with food. And none of us talk about it. I'm completely guilty of this. And one of my big goals of this 'year of not giving a fuck' is spreading my most truthful and honest message, in hopes of making others feel less alone. In hopes of relieving suffering and fostering joy. In hopes of saving a young person's life.

On that note, I wanted to touch on the idea that being "skinny" means you are healthy.

When I'm not healthy - I look very thin. When I'm very healthy - I have curves, muscles and color in my face. I know when I'm looking thin. Please don't tell me I look good. This thin body you are seeing – it is very sick. It is not something to strive for. Organs are infected and inflamed. I can promise you that my life is 110% times better when I have muscles to go hiking and hips to dance with and legs to practice yoga on. It is so important to nurture your body. Everybody is different. Every body is healthy at different weights. Compare yourself to no one but you.

** In regards to the cleanse: I'm really resistant to it. I really don't want to restrict any foods. I like eating whatever I want whenever I want. I really don't want to face the part of myself that struggles with this. But I need to heal myself. Food can heal you. It is miraculous. You just need to consume the right foods and lots of them. And that is most of what I'm doing.

I've chosen at this point not to share what my cleanse is going to look like because I think a health cleanse looks differently for every body. I don't feel I have the right or the knowledge to tell you what is good for your body. But I think a cleansing period does help you to explore what is good for you body. And as I move through these few days, I will be journaling my experience and I will be following up with another post about what I learned from this cleansing period.

Until then, thank you so much for reading. I hope some part of what I wrote spoke to you. Please share it with any one who may need it. I'm always her for any one. You are not alone. You don't have to isolate yourself. The world has so much love for you. Thanks for coming back to my page.

With love,

Jane <3