No, I Did Not Master the Art of the Solitary Retreat.


I'm at a point in my spiritual journey where I crave solitude. Intensely. 

A type of solitude that takes me out of the city, away from humans and into myself. 

As a Buddhist, retreat is something I will practice many times in my life. 
But as a youngin' in the practitioners world, I had yet to take that dive.

I have two retreats coming up at the end of summer and fall. Real, big girl buddhist retreats.  Typically I would have just booked a weekend at my Gonpa (Tibetan Buddhist Temple), but like I said, I wanted to get out of the city. I wanted to get away and be alone. So I booked a cute little airbnb up in the country past Logan. A little town called Paradise.

As I realized that time I had booked months ago was finally here, I was so grateful for my past self and her actions. I could not have chosen a better time to get away. I was up to my eyeballs in stress, heartache, fear, sleepless nights and all the spiritual blockages that come with it. I had a vision in my head of yoga and dancing and singing and freedom. 

To be frank, I had a completely romanticized vision in my head about what my retreat would look like.



Here's what happened:

After working two weeks straight with no days off, running events, tabling events, performing at events, making art for events, running media for three organizations and unmentionably - mindfully uncoupling my relationship with the love of my life, I was pretty fucking exhausted. 

So, I packed up a ton of groceries, clothes, books and dharma supplies and hit the road right at 5pm after work. Just in time for northbound rush hour! I got deep into some beautiful farm country. Around me were rolling hills, colorful lines and rigid rocky mountains up and around all of it. My airbnb was built inside of this industrial looking farmhouse garage. Not exactly the cabin it looked like in the pictures. The inside was cute. Brand new wood floor to ceiling, a loft for the bed, a little claw-foot tub and all the 'country' interior decor you could imagine.

Given my physical, mental and emotional state at the time, the first thing I wanted to do was get in that tub and CLEANSE MY SOUL. I turned on the water and it reeked like sulfur. I began to panic that it was going to be a bad idea to bathe in this, but I told myself sulfur hot springs are so in right now and so good for your skin. The water was nice and hot and I brought some salts and oils to add to the bath. I even put on a face mask and washed my hair. 

As I felt my body finally sink into relaxation I noticed an extreme loneliness come over me. 
I was miles away from people that I knew and loved. 
There was no one nearby that cared for me or even knew I existed. 
Oh on top of that, the tub started to leak. I looked over the edge and there was a nice layer of water covering the bathroom floor. Panic, join this lonely feeling

I got out of the bath and began to cry. 
Yep, in my towel on the couch one hour into my first ever solitary retreat and I am sobbing over how lonely and terrified I feel. I turned my phone's wifi back on and texted Aj, already breaking rule #1.

J: I tried to relax in the tub and it leaked all over the bathroom. I feel so weird and nervous fuck.
A: Breathe. You're getting in your head and letting yourself get overwhelmed. What's the purpose of this trip?
J: I don't even know why I am doing this. I'm just all alone now and freaking out. 
A: You wanted to be alone with your own energy. Show yourself you can create the energy and space you want regardless of what you see as 'reality.' Don't freak yourself out when you haven't given it a real shot. You're gonna be alright. 
J: I feel so much fear right now. I'm completely breaking down. Fuck I'm sorry. 
A: Everything's gonna be ok. Remember what your goal is. I'm here if you need. Find your happy place. Find solitude in your mind. I'm not going anywhere. 

I put my phone down and took a deep breathe. She was right. Kinda pathetic looking back right? I was seriously freaking out. Which is precisely why I have to share this experience. I had to trust that my loved ones were still there and re-establish my intentions: To quiet the mind. To connect with nature. To cleanse myself of impure energies. To practice ngondro. To practice yoga. To read books. To nurture myself. To love myself. To get to know myself. 

I was recognizing my intense attachment to others, specifically lovers. This needed to be dealt with. A solitary experience was a good first step. 

Want to know what saved me that night? 
The tiny DVD collection under the small TV screen. It included The Princess Diaries. My FAVORITE movie from my pre-teen years. I had planned to avoid screens but I was so desperate for something, anything to keep me company. I had only days before been thinking about how much I loved that movie as a kid. So I popped it in the TV and continued with my self care rituals. 

Toning, moisturizing, hair-brushing, braiding, nail-painting. The works. Then some food. My favorite instant Cuban beans with salad and pita bread. I munched it down and began to drift into sleep on the couch. It was only 10pm but it was definitely time for me to climb up that ladder and into bed. I slept more soundly that night than I had in weeks, for 12 hours straight. I woke up actually feeling rested. My mind actually felt quiet. I could feel the stillness of that morning.

This is what I came for.


I crawled down the latter and brewed some coffee. I realized that while in solitude, anything that makes you feel comforted, you should definitely have with you. Coffee in the morning is one of those things for me. I got dressed and immediately went outside to walk around. I just wondered aimlessly. Ended up down a hunting path. Heard some cows mooing that actually made me laugh out loud realizing that was the first sound I had made in over 12 hours. I sensed that there was water nearby and followed to MOOS in hopes of finding a creek to sit by. 

The problem with these rural areas however is this concept of owned property. I wasn't exactly free to explore because right when I found the rushing water I was stopped by old rusty barbed wire fences. They separated me from a beautiful and vocal herd of cows. Probably a good thing. But I faced these kinds of fences everywhere I explored. It evoked a lot of thought around white men believing they can actually own land and can forbid other people from walking on it. So messed. Anyways... Moving along.




I headed back to the cabin for another cup of coffee. Sat down and wrote pages on pages in my journal until my hands ached. Got up and did a deep yoga practice and finished with performing the ngondro. Then I finally opened up this incredible book: The Empath Experience by Sydney Campos.  There could't have been more perfect book for me to begin reading in that moment. I got so much more out of it by starting it in this solitary space after a deep meditative practice with nothing better to do but surrender to the words of the book. It was as if all my cells were opened up to receive Sydney's words. 

The book was telling me my own story through the perspectives of others. By page 36 I was crying AGAIN because I felt so understood by these people. Better yet I knew this author was a friend of a friend, which made me feel more connected to her. She's not some far-off monastic practitioner (my typical read). She grew up in my era, in the same society that molded me. She has a cell phone and partied her ass off to cope with emotional intensities. #Relatable. As I read this incredibly expansive new text, I began to tap into my own intuition. I could feel that my body was yearning to be near water. More so, it was yearning to get out of that little farmhouse. I still felt affected by the energies in the homes on either side of me. I needed to explore. I needed to find water. So I packed up everything and got in my car and just drove.




I drove up random streets aiming my car towards the visible canyons and was consistently met with 'no trespassing' signs. In SLC you can aim your car up any canyon and in fact arrive at a gate that allows you to enter through the canyon and explore the public land. In the country, this is not the case. Some old white guy owns the land and doesn't want you on it. I was irritated. I remembered one of my college professors that loved to feathers in these situations. Sorry prof, not in the mood today. 

Finally, I turned my wifi back on to look at a map of where the hell I was. I looked for water near me. I wasn't too far from Wilmer Reservoir, I could drive there and go for a swim! It was perfect. Exactly what I needed. As I arrived there was a long line of RVs and boats waiting to pay to get in.  I drove the opposite direction, acting like I knew what I was doing, I drove into the employee entrance. I ended up finding a nice little secluded spot by the beach to swim. 

It was calm. 

There were two white geese floating around, trees grew into the shore providing a nice shade and shelter. As I took off my clothes, I grabbed my phone to take a picture of the scene.

All I saw on the screen was the words "Tragic News." 

It was an email from a board member. My stomach dropped. I could feel the heaviness of the email already. I knew that whatever it said would bring me to my knees. 

And it did. 

The words I read were: with a heavy heart... Patrick passed... heart attack... Luis is beside himself... will send more info soon. 

I stood there with my feet in the shore, in complete shock.

No!! No no no no!!! No Patrick! No you cannot! You come back now! No no no no!!! 

I fell to the ground and sobbed. My mentor. My friend. He's gone. His heart failed him. I won't see him at our meeting this week. Last weekend was the last time I saw him. I gave him shit for always hiding when he'd smoke cigarettes. I wished he wouldn't do that. I wished he'd ask for my company, as I told him, 'I don't mind your cigarettes, their nostalgic for me.'


Maybe he'll survive the heart attack? Maybe he's not gone? 

My brain went in one hundred directions at once. I threw my phone onto the beach and proceeded to dive into the water. I could feel Patrick's energy with me. I could feel that he wasn't ready to go either. I could also feel that he knew I would do great things in his wake. I could hear is voice in my head. I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for the foundation. He always said that to me. I guess he couldn't thank me enough. Because here we are. I could hear him chuckling and saying to me, but the real test starts now Jane! 

I sat at the beach feeling like a complete wreck until I decided that I wanted to go home. I wanted to be back in Salt Lake. I needed to go home. I was wet and sandy in my underwear and bra as I drove home in, once again rush hour traffic, southbound. The tears rolled in heavier than my white eyes could keep up with. As I pulled into sunny Salt Lake City I just wanted to go hug Aj. I drove to her house and cried in her arms for a long time. I was cold and wet still as we laid in the sun on her grassy lawn. Right there, time stopped. We talked about Patrick, we talked about my retreat, we talked until we were quiet. We were quiet until I forgot that Patrick was gone. Then I remembered. And the tears rolled back in. 

"I'm hungry. Let's go eat," Aj said, breaking what felt like cosmic years on the lawn.



We changed our clothes and drove to Aristo's. Sat at a beautiful table on the patio. Ordered a bubbly red wine and cheersed in his honor. We ordered so much greek food, indulging in the pleasure of eating, drinking, being served. We took a sunset walk and ended up at a gelato shop, for just one more scoop of indulgence. This crazy day was coming to an end!

One of the most existential, surreal days of my life. I would not go to bed with my lover that night. For she was no longer my lover. I knew I had the strength to be alone that night. My short retreat proved that to me. Those two days have changed me. I hugged Aj and thanked her for her incredible support and love. We said good bye. I went home and slept. I dreamed of Patrick all night.


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