When Things Fall Apart. (#18)

For two week's I've been pushing off the assignment I gave myself this month:
To sit down and write my 'Coming Out story.' - Ya know, Pride Month.
With the intention share my experience and celebrate life on the other side of the door.

But I've been avoiding it. I've avoided writing in general. I haven't been in the mood to delve within let alone try to collect my thoughts enough to create a concise story. Oh then share it with the world on the internet? It's a lot.

So many layers were peeled off of my life this month. Feels like a lot of loss, but I'm trying to see it as a way of budding life experience. So much love fills in the space that is empty after some one exits your life. It's healing. I feel it every day.

I'm feeling good. I really am.

And it may not be brave like I always want/try to be, but I just don't want to pull up any old carpets in the home that is my soul. At least not right now. Too many layers on the outside are shifting to create a rummage within. It would not feel like the wu-wei to me.

Coming out was pretty terrifying. That's the honest truth. I bet a lot can relate when I say:
I thought the whole world was going to crumble around me.
That's what it felt like was happening. There's a list of things that created that situation. A lot of mistakes were made. 
Not tryna go there today.

Maybe I'm not ready to face it or maybe I've let go? I don't know which is truth.

But, I take comfort in knowing that I was trying to live my truth. Because before, I was not... I was hiding an entire world inside my head. I was terrified to force every one to see me as something they never thought of me as.  Like it would just be way to hard for every one in the world to handle that I liked girls. And apparently, it was a surprise to pretty much every one when I came out. I think that made it scarier. I felt like I wasn't gay enough for people to believe me. Like it was just a phase. Like they thought as if,  I would just come out leave the man I loved and move out and not have a home and not totally mean the part where I said I'm gay. Fuck. That was so frustrating. Another thing I'm not in the mood to deconstruct right now.

Because right now, I am living 100% fully in my truth. I can say that with out a single doubt. As I work through and let go of my past, guess what else I learned: Jane can get Jane up and through anything. I am fueled by the love from others, but ultimately it is the love for myself and the desire to take refuge in my truest being that has kept me alive. That loving connection within, it gets me out of bed in the morning. Keeps me on my mat, practicing. It helps me nourish myself well and talk kindly to myself. That love set my priorities in order and created space for them. That love taught me to say no to shit I don't want in my life. That love is my anchor. I don't need this silly tattoo on my foot!

Because coming out wasn't so much about letting the world know that I want to get down with girls and only girls. It was about stepping through my biggest fears, insecurities, discomforts and life changes. So that I could then be in alignment with my true self - sat nam or higher being. Right before I came out, I was taking refuge in the Buddha. I was noticing gorgeous women stepping into my life. I got a very revealing piece of literature published. My friendships were strengthening. I graduated college. Started writing music again. Like, good music. Started telling my friends that I liked girls. None of them freaked out. OH AND GUESS WHAT ELSE HAPPENED, PRESIDENT #45 GOT ELECTED SO EVERYTHING WAS OBVIOUSLY SHIFTING MAD SPEED.

So you see, so much more than just coming out unfolded for me. The whole process got started the day I called a doctor and checked myself into serious care a whole year before. That led me to medical leave from college, which led me to checking out a Buddhism class, which is truly where that self-love began to grow. That class was the FIRST TIME I ever contemplated compassion for oneself. And also where this massive upheaval of my life began! I explained a lot in this blog about how it was so much more of spiritual process for me. An early self-reallization.

Here I am exactly two years since acting on my desires. Two years since the anniversary of the Pulse Nightclub shooting. So many shifts.  In so many more realms than my sexuality. It was an entire transformation. Awakening. Rebirth. One of many in my life so far.

And, I'm just feeling like looking forward right now. I'm not in a reflective mood. I'm in manifestation mode. Focusing on all the things I want, while continuously looking within, checking my intentions and rooting my entire being in LOVE. I feel like I'm on the edge of another expansive bloom, like a lotus flower. I can tell this is happening because, everything feels like it's falling apart.

But I've still got Jane. :)