The Solitary Diary 8.8.22

 I’ve always romanticized my life 


It would turn out to be one of my greatest qualities 


And also one of my most painful. 


I have been romanticizing my breakup. 


And I realize today it’s causing me more pain.


I had this vision that I would arrive in California and just BLOSSOM into this next level of Jane. 


I wake up and teach yoga everyday, I go on beach walks and swim in the ocean, I take myself out to eat and read books alone at coffeeshops. 


On the outside, I am 100% living the life I’ve always dreamed of living. 


And on the inside… I’m still heart broken. 


It’s been three months - an entire summer. 


And I still cry almost every morning. 


I’m so sick of thinking about it. 


I’m so tired of talking about it. 


I’m soooo done of crying. 


But I’m learning what it means to forge my way through devastation and heart break. 


I haven’t learned this lesson before. 


I have never felt such pain, such loss, such an absence in my life. 


I wanted to share this for anyone who is frustrated with themselves for not “getting over it” faster. 


Because it turns out it’s just more complex than that. 


Sometimes the pain is so deep in my heart it feels like the love of my life actually died. 


Then I remember that she is totally out there living her life without me and that she chose not to be here anymore. 


Whoo! Am alive and feeling the FEELINGS!


And today, I’m done resisting it. 


I’m just going to allow all these yucky feelings to be exactly where they are at. 


It’s okay to feel sad feelings. It’s okay to feel negative feelings. 


What’s not okay is the judgements we make about our feelings and the pressure we put on ourselves to feel differently. 


I am going through something I’ve never been through before. 


Week 14 of solitude. I think I’ll start a blog to leave these feelings at.

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