Dealing With Shit (Blog #6)
It's Sunday night and I'm already late on my next blog post deadline. I just got my computer back from the Apple store after EIGHT DAYS of not having it. Before that I had written a great "Luperon: Part 1" blog post and was moving onto Part 2 until I realized that Part 1 never published and I actually lost the entire thing! That same day I parking ticket, bc never got my registration stickers and have to go to the DMV to get a friggin STICKER. Also need to take the guitar into the shop. Still calling Apple to get my laptop back. And then, because I said there was a theme, my car got towed out of my girlfriend's parking lot in the middle of the night. I spent yesterday morning in an all-time GRUMPY level as we retrieved my car from the tow-yard and threw some money down the drain. And if you think this blog post just looks like a paragraph of me complaining - that's because it is!!!! I can't go around acting like my life is so pretty and perfect all the time because that isn't real life. I think there can totally be space to vent and wine about cyclical samara but you've got to follow it up with some meaning. So what's the meaning of all this???
I have not been focusing on myself.
Do you ever find that happening? You roll through weeks of your life and do all that is expected of you but can you remember if you did anything productive for your actual self? Sure, I got a lot done at the magazine, I hosted an open mic night, played a fun gig on TV, took my girlfriend out for Valentine's day, practiced Ngondro daily and went to my teachings. But I feel as though I just rolled through all of those experiences with out ever checking in with myself. With out even being present. With out ever asking myself: What does Jane need right now? What is Jane doing to avoid stress and live in joy?
I realized something wasn't right at the beginning of my weekend when I had plenty on my to-do list but felt stuck in my space. I felt stuck in my space but my space was stagnant. I was stagnant and my creativity was blanking on me. My external world was beginning to feel thrown out of whack by a wave of samsara. I had to make action. I had to catalyze a shift in energy. I got out my journal and started writing. I explained my feelings and thoughts and asked myself what I needed to produce this shift. Finally it hit me.
Actually shift the energy Jane!
I got up from my desk, grabbed the corners of it and pulled it right out the door of my room. I went over to my bed and used all my strength to push the frame over to the other side of the room. I took every thing down from the walls. I took my alter apart and moved it. I cleaned every surface and moved every object into a new place. I vacuumed every corner. The sun started to set on Friday evening as I was still on my floor with a haphazard living space around me. I was focused on nothing else but symbolically organizing my life. I had lost myself in the meditation of feng shui.
My friend came over to visit and we talked as I continued to organize and clean. As I talked and talked and talked, I realized that I had a lot on my mind. Like too much. Like although I spend all this time meditating and reflecting, I wasn't moving through my shit. Back to that stagnant feeling again. That craving for a shift. Then she asked me, "What does Jane need tonight to start moving through some of this?"
Damn.
I haven't asked myself that in a minute.
I didn't have an answer for her. I realized that I've been on this external auto-pilot since getting home from a vacation in paradise. I've been waking up in the morning and living my life according to the way the external world expects me to be. Just kind of rolling through my experience instead of moving mindfully through it. AND HERE I THOUGHT I VOWED TO STOP THAT SHIT.
Moving through. Those words have been coming up a lot as I reflect. I need movement. I must move through. I made time yesterday and today to tap into my being and allow myself to move, flow, dance. Listening to the messages that disperse through me as spores of energy release through my cells. That same friend who asked me what I needed earlier has taught me how to meditate through kinesthetic movement. I found I need this movement in order to help counteract the stillness of my dharma practices. Because even as a yogi I sometimes feel rigid in my asana practice and need to simply move in an organic, cosmic and sensual way. I light candles, close the blinds, turn on Phaeleh and get to know myself through creative movement. I stretch my body, touch my skin and work physically through that stagnancy in my body through fluid, free movement.
Creativity is the antidote to all stagnancy. Creation is infinite. A reflection of consciousness. Art, color, dance, design, music, nature, words, imaginations... Creation allows us to sink into our right brain and relieve the left of that constant chatter. More philosophy on creation to come...
This shift I speak of all happened on the first day of the Tibetan New Year. (Happy Losar!) It rippled through my spiritual being and into my external world. Shifting my romantic relationship into a new space, advancing my religious commitments, opening up my spiritual space to become wider and more infinite. Creating more space for myself to be with myself. Moving myself into a space of authenticity every waking day.
Thanks for reading,
Jane <3
I have not been focusing on myself.
Do you ever find that happening? You roll through weeks of your life and do all that is expected of you but can you remember if you did anything productive for your actual self? Sure, I got a lot done at the magazine, I hosted an open mic night, played a fun gig on TV, took my girlfriend out for Valentine's day, practiced Ngondro daily and went to my teachings. But I feel as though I just rolled through all of those experiences with out ever checking in with myself. With out even being present. With out ever asking myself: What does Jane need right now? What is Jane doing to avoid stress and live in joy?
I realized something wasn't right at the beginning of my weekend when I had plenty on my to-do list but felt stuck in my space. I felt stuck in my space but my space was stagnant. I was stagnant and my creativity was blanking on me. My external world was beginning to feel thrown out of whack by a wave of samsara. I had to make action. I had to catalyze a shift in energy. I got out my journal and started writing. I explained my feelings and thoughts and asked myself what I needed to produce this shift. Finally it hit me.
Actually shift the energy Jane!
I got up from my desk, grabbed the corners of it and pulled it right out the door of my room. I went over to my bed and used all my strength to push the frame over to the other side of the room. I took every thing down from the walls. I took my alter apart and moved it. I cleaned every surface and moved every object into a new place. I vacuumed every corner. The sun started to set on Friday evening as I was still on my floor with a haphazard living space around me. I was focused on nothing else but symbolically organizing my life. I had lost myself in the meditation of feng shui.
My friend came over to visit and we talked as I continued to organize and clean. As I talked and talked and talked, I realized that I had a lot on my mind. Like too much. Like although I spend all this time meditating and reflecting, I wasn't moving through my shit. Back to that stagnant feeling again. That craving for a shift. Then she asked me, "What does Jane need tonight to start moving through some of this?"
Damn.
I haven't asked myself that in a minute.
I didn't have an answer for her. I realized that I've been on this external auto-pilot since getting home from a vacation in paradise. I've been waking up in the morning and living my life according to the way the external world expects me to be. Just kind of rolling through my experience instead of moving mindfully through it. AND HERE I THOUGHT I VOWED TO STOP THAT SHIT.
Moving through. Those words have been coming up a lot as I reflect. I need movement. I must move through. I made time yesterday and today to tap into my being and allow myself to move, flow, dance. Listening to the messages that disperse through me as spores of energy release through my cells. That same friend who asked me what I needed earlier has taught me how to meditate through kinesthetic movement. I found I need this movement in order to help counteract the stillness of my dharma practices. Because even as a yogi I sometimes feel rigid in my asana practice and need to simply move in an organic, cosmic and sensual way. I light candles, close the blinds, turn on Phaeleh and get to know myself through creative movement. I stretch my body, touch my skin and work physically through that stagnancy in my body through fluid, free movement.
Creativity is the antidote to all stagnancy. Creation is infinite. A reflection of consciousness. Art, color, dance, design, music, nature, words, imaginations... Creation allows us to sink into our right brain and relieve the left of that constant chatter. More philosophy on creation to come...
This shift I speak of all happened on the first day of the Tibetan New Year. (Happy Losar!) It rippled through my spiritual being and into my external world. Shifting my romantic relationship into a new space, advancing my religious commitments, opening up my spiritual space to become wider and more infinite. Creating more space for myself to be with myself. Moving myself into a space of authenticity every waking day.
Thanks for reading,
Jane <3
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