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The Solitary Diary 8.8.22

  I’ve always romanticized my life   It would turn out to be one of my greatest qualities   And also one of my most painful.   I have been romanticizing my breakup.   And I realize today it’s causing me more pain. I had this vision that I would arrive in California and just BLOSSOM into this next level of Jane.   I wake up and teach yoga everyday, I go on beach walks and swim in the ocean, I take myself out to eat and read books alone at coffeeshops.   On the outside, I am 100% living the life I’ve always dreamed of living.   And on the inside… I’m still heart broken.   It’s been three months - an entire summer.   And I still cry almost every morning.   I’m so sick of thinking about it.   I’m so tired of talking about it.   I’m soooo done of crying.   But I’m learning what it means to forge my way through devastation and heart break.   I haven’t learned this lesson before.   I have never felt such pain, such loss, such an absence in my life.   I wanted to share this for anyone who is f
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A Look Inside the Mind of an Obsessive Perfectionist

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It’s Saturday.   I have the entire day off and totally open.   I’m exhausted. I worked four double shifts and taught three classes this week. I also managed to find the time to have lunch with three different friends, get a massage and have the tiniest bit of alone time with my Woman. This week I uploaded the fourth episode of my new podcast, bought a ticket to Thailand and paid off my tuition for the YTT I’m taking next month. I should be celebrating right? Well, my perfectionism wants to take all the joy away from me today.   I’m an Aries. A fire sign. We’re known for being extremely self-centered, loud, stubborn and fiery. I believe that if you know the downsides of your zodiac sign, you can live with a little more self-awareness of your flaws and not be such a dick all the time.   When you are a fire sign, it means you want to constantly take action. We literally cannot help it. The second something bothers me, I have to fix it immediately. I notice a w
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Finally, Home.

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It's Monday. It's July 1. I'm off work for the day. I have a list of things I could do to be "productive." But I think the thing that would feel best right now, is to sit down and force myself to write a blog post. Do I have any idea what I'm about to write about? Nope. Will I promise myself to publish this post by the end of the day? Yes. Do I break promises due to my obsession with perfection? Yep. Here goes. I've been home for about a week after a pretty long month of traveling. And it honestly feels so good to be home. I've got to say, I'm definitely a creature who loves her comforts and her routines. And I'm also beyond grateful that I get to leave the country so often to feed my soul and explore my universe. I feel like I'm supposed to start writing about how my life changed in Nepal and how I went to Kauai  and had an an re-awakening experience with Mother Earth. Of course, these things are true. W
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Hello 2019! I Guess I BLOOMED!

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Photo: Tibet House USA. First week of 2019 here we are.  Damn, you feel good already.  I’m digging you. _________________ I read over my NYE blog from 2018: The Year I BLOOM.   I must say, I fulfilled my own prophecy quite well. My biggest goal was to stop making myself small and to start expressing myself more truthfully through the power of the written word.  I set a goal to write 52 blogs, one blog post a week.  And that did not happen. Which is good.  I wrote and published 26 blogs. Almost exactly half as many, with double the effort.  I learned that when I write something, I like to step away from it for a few days and then come back to it and let it sit with me for some time before I share it with my world.  I published something consistently twice a month and I’m proud of that. I watched my writing improve a lot over the year. I watched my vulnerability deepen. My story telling became more truthful and honest - even when it w
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Girl Crushes: Part 2

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My next story doesn’t happen until my last year of high school. I’d had a few casual boyfriends. Fell head over heels for a Mormon boy that I never had a chance with. Never even kissed him!  I made out with a few cute boys but never wanted to do anything further than that. The thought that people our age were having sex – it totally disgusted me. I had absolutely no interest. Then one of my friends in choir class told me that this Tumblr-famous girl at our school posted one of my songs onto her page. (I had been putting every ounce of my energy into becoming a professional musician, among many other goals).  I didn’t know her, but I was interested in meeting this Tumblr-famous girl. I followed her on Twitter to try to see who she was. She followed me back. We chatted. And there it was. I had made the connection. I was excited to meet a new friend. Her name was Sam.  After that I started noticing her around campus and realized she was really quiet and shy, but insanely bea
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Girl Crushes: Part 1

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These are stories about my girl-crushes. The stories I didn't really get to tell growing up. I think most people who grew up in the closet have similar stories. Talking about who you "liked" or, " liked liked " growing up, seemed to be the number one topic of discussion. Gossip is in our nature. Assuming heteronormativity among young people is also in our nature. So those of us who grew up in the closet probably didn't get to share who it was they were  really  crushing on. In fact, they probably had a lot going on in their heads that they haven't opened up about. So, I invite you all to share with me, who were your first crushes? What was it like? Let's celebrate it. Originally, this story was called "Life In The Closet." But I didn't really grow up telling myself that I was in the closet. It was more, society pushing me into a certain role as a female. It was more, the stories that I told myself about society and how
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